Untitled V

The next morning, I awoke to find all the girls gone, along with all of my money. I couldn’t imagine what trouble they could get into with a few hundred bucks, but I was wondering what I was going to do without any dough. Although I live this way all the time. Broke I mean… I estimated that it would be almost a week before I could get any money from my gig at the Longbranch, so I went out to the pole barn to get my shovel. Now…. If I can just remember where I buried that coffee can with the money in it!

After an hour of digging, I was getting pretty hot so I went back to the porch to get a beer from the refrigerator. A quick inventory of the fridge’s contents told me that I would need to re-stock pretty soon. I sat on the edge of the porch trying to remember where that damn can was buried. No worse situation can exist than the no-money no-beer scenario. All these thoughts were running through my head a million miles a minute, and I was starting to smell smoke! Dammit, I think I remember…. But looking at all the little holes in the lot kinda proves otherwise. I DO remember burying some cash out here, you know, for emergency purposes only. Like Y2K, global warming, riots, natural disasters, stuff like that. If I had encrypted some clues and scratched them into the paint somewhere I would have been better off. Or maybe if I had one of those metal detector things, you know, like you see the old dudes at the beach with…. Sheeeit… I’ll have to keep guessing.

About an hour and several holes later, I hit pay dirt. My shovel clunked as it struck a metal object just a foot under the surface. “I found it!�? I hollered as if anyone was there to hear. I began digging wildly as I verified that there really was something buried there. But something wasn’t exactly right about this find. The more of the object I uncovered, the more I knew that it wasn’t my precious coffee can. I stopped for a second, took off my hat and scratched my head. “What the hell is this thing?�? I thought out loud. I carefully dug around the object to reveal more of the shiny metallic surface. It was round, and shaped like one of those big chrome wheel covers you see on an 18 wheeler. I tapped it vigorously with the point of my shovel, but it didn’t bend or mar, and it returned a very dense sound kinda like when you beat on the water storage tank for your well. You know how it is, chrome shit always intrigues us bikers, and since this piece was real shiny, and sorta weird looking, I kept on with the task of extricating it from the soil. A short time later I was convinced that it really was a large chrome wheel cover, but it was in my opinion larger in diameter than any truck wheel accessory that I had ever seen. I stuck the point of my shovel under one edge of the thing and pried up on it. Although it was quite large it seemed to weigh nothing. I reached down in the hole and grabbed it by the edge, and heaved it up onto the pile of dirt. “Dammit man!�? I said to myself as I again scratched my head… “What the fu(# is this thing??�? I got up and rolled the object to the porch for further inspection (and another beer). After a few minutes and a few sips, I got a real nervous feeling about my find. I’ll tell ya, I’ve seen some of those science fiction movies where they depict a flying saucer hovering over a town and destroying it with a death ray, you know, that buzz and zap thing. Well, this gizmo was exactly like that, with the exception of the little wires that (you weren’t supposed to see) that suspended the thing in the movie. I went to the trailer to get a screwdriver. You know I HAD to pry the thing open! Then I thought about it for a second. If this was simply a movie prop, no problem. And if it was a real alien space thingie, well, STILL no problem because if there were any gooey green and gray space dudes inside, they couldn’t be any bigger that a swamp toad, and hell they’d have to be dead, ‘cause the thing must have been buried there for years!

I finished my beer and tossed the empty at the disk, just to see what would happen. The bottle glanced off the top, and landed on the porch with a thud. I then attacked the thing with the screwdriver. There were a few distinct openings along the edge so I started there. I pried on one of the openings with no result. I spun the disc around to reveal more openings and again pried on them. I mean it wasn’t like there were any instructions on it as to how it came apart. I broke the screwdriver clean off at the handle in one of the openings. I cussed the thing, and went to the truck to get the tire tool. Back on the porch I stood on the disk and shoved the tire tool inside one of the holes. I pried like hell, but the lid wouldn’t budge. I was surprised when I looked at the tool and saw that it had slightly bent from my effort to open the object. I was disappointed when I realized that the tire tool was now stuck in the stupid disk. I kicked the thing expecting it to go sailing across the yard, but I kinda froze up when it didn’t move, and at about the same time the twinge of pain came across my toes, I gasped in awe as a few of the little holes began to glow. In a mere matter of seconds the disk began to spin around and around in circles, faster and faster, and as it did it began to wobble sorta like a bottle cap does when you flip it onto a concrete floor. In the same matter of seconds I had already jumped off the porch and started running like hell for cover. A good thing too. The momentum from the disk spinning released the tire tool from the opening and it stuck a foot deep in the skin of the trailer. The screwdriver on the other hand was no longer visible, so I stayed behind the bed of the truck for a while to see what would happen next. A few seconds later the disk released a puff of smoke, and wobbled back down on the porch. “Ha! Screw you - you overgrown hub-cap lookin’ piece of shit!�? I yelled at the disk. It however did not respond to my insult. I saw that the remainder of the screwdriver was still stuck in the little hole, so I grabbed a broom handle from the truck and proceeded over to the porch to poke the thing. It didn’t respond to that stimuli either, so I gave it a good whap on the head with the handle. Still no response, but I did notice that it was still glowing in a few places.

I cautiously got another beer from the fridge as I watched the “lights�? glowing on the motionless object. I drug up a milk crate and sat down contemplating what I was going to do with the thing. “I’ll bet Ol’ Grady would buy this thing�? I thought, but then I thought maybe I could drag it over to NASA or someone else for a higher bid. It ain’t like there is a “used space junk�? dealership anywhere around here. All I knew was that it had to be worth something to somebody!

I heard a strange rumbling sound and I looked up to see a black helicopter hovering over the trailer park. Its dull nose pointed right at me, as I cautiously stepped off the porch. I looked over at the disk and then at the helicopter, and then at the swarm of black Suburbans rolling down the road. A herd of dudes in black suits and sunglasses approached me as I leaned on my pickup swigging my beer. One of them (who appeared to be the leader) snipped “Where did you find that thing?�? I pointed my cigarette like a gun to the hole in the yard. A team of guys in space-man looking silver suits rushed over to the hole with some gizmos in their hands, as another team of similarly clad men picked up my disk with a robotic lawn mower looking device with arms. “Hey man�? I hollered at them “Don’t mess with my hub cap!!�? “Sir, that object is Government property, and we will have to take it with us�? quipped the G-Man. “Fu(# you dude, that thing is MINE, cause I dug it up right here on my property!�? I replied. “You will have to come along with us for a de-briefing�? he said. I leaned in a little closer to his face and replied “ I ain’t goin NOWHERE with you faggots, and besides man, I wear BOXERS!�? At about that time 2 or 3 of the other black suit guys kinda picked me up as I was kicking and screaming obscenities, and dragged me to one of the black SUVs. “Aright you fu(#ers, if your gonna play rough, and yer gonna steal my property, then you’re GONNA have to stop at the Quik-Mart and buy me a 12 pack!�? I yelled to the driver. I watched the robo-arm lawnmower as it loaded my disk into a military vehicle that looked like a low-rider garbage truck. As we sped out of the park all my neighbors were staring at the impressive number of Government “doers�? doing whatever it is they do when they do what they were doing today. I was surprised when the stuffy G-Man stopped at the Quik-Mart and another returned with a small Styrofoam cooler full of Bud. He stuffed it in the center of the rear seat through the opposite window. I reached in a grabbed a cold one, and offered one to the other Gov-goon in the back seat next to me. No response. We drove to the local motel where I was loaded into a shiny Airstream looking motor-home along with my beer. After a few hours of being questioned by the head Cod-Knockers, they rented me a room, got me some more beer and a Pizza, and told me not to go home for 24 hours. I rebuked them with the fact that I damn sure wasn’t goin nowhere since they stranded me in a stinkin’ motel 15 miles from home! They wouldn’t be specific, but I had apparently dug up some sort of un-manned space probe thing, that either came from here on earth, or perhaps another planet. I will never know for sure, but the truth is out there…………

I lead an interesting life, and I have had a lot of commentary regarding my lifestyle, and beliefs. It’s not such a bad thing to be like me, and some of you may already be this way and not even realize it!

In the interest of science and public service, I have devised a little test to see if you are truly like me, and a select few others that are positively “Trailer Trash“.

Take this quiz now to see how you rate. I made it simple enough for everyone! All the answers are either “Yes�? or “No�?. If you can’t read, ask one of your friends to read the test to you while they record the results, and remember you score one extra point if you really can’t read!
( I personally scored a 21!)

1. Did your Junior or Senior Prom have daycare?

2. Do you have to go outside to get a beer from the fridge?

3. Have you been married three times and still have the same in-laws?

4. Have you ever lit a match in your bathroom and had your house explode right off its wheels?

5. Does the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch have more teeth than you or your significant other?

6. Do you think that the last four words to the Star Spangled Banner are, “gentlemen, start your engines.�??

7. Do you think that loading the dishwasher means getting your Ol’ Lady drunk?

8. Does your toilet paper have words and numbers on it?

9. Do you think that Iraq is a word describing a woman‘s large breasts?

10. Do you think that a girl who is “out of your league�? bowls at the Bowl-arama on a different night?

11. Do you think that Genitalia is the name of an Italian airline?

12. Has your Ol’ Lady’s hairdo ever been ruined by a ceiling fan?

13. Do you go to your own family reunion looking for a date?

14. Was one of your kids born in the bed of your pickup?

15. Do you let your 13 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids?

16. Have you ever been unable to marry your sweetheart because there’s a law against it?

17. Was your school fight song Dueling Banjos?

18. Do you have Confederate flag as a curtain in your home?

19. Do you think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader?

20. Do you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard?

TEST SCORING:

1-3 If you answered “yes�? to one to three questions you most likely have no hope of being recognized as Trailer Trash. You are more than likely a RUBBIE however!

4-10 By answering “yes�? to anywhere from four to ten answers, you have a 65% chance of becoming recognized in your community as Trailer Trash. You are one pink flamingo on your lawn or one junk truck in the driveway of your lot from gaining the title!

11-15 “Yes�? answers. You are without a doubt a (Confederate) flag bearer for the Trailer Trash establishment in your community! You undoubtedly own a double stacked, double wide trailer for which you are the envy of everyone in your own little “park�? of the world!

16-20 “Yes�? responses would indicate that you are DEFINITELY Trailer Trash, and you proudly go where very few men, women, or aliens have ever gone before! You enjoy the finer yet simple pleasures of life without the distractions of low-carb diets, e-mail viruses, cell phone babble and unnecessary trips to the grocery store! You have arrived and understand the true peace that your lifestyle can bring! Your many cousins, sisters, brothers, sister in-laws, brother in-laws, grandma’s, grandpa’s, fathers and mothers are proud to call you their own. Hell, you’re probably my neighbor!!