Untitled VI

The next evening, when I attempted to leave my Government sponsored motel room, I was immediately accosted by a duo of Gov-goons, that made it very clear that I was not to leave the premises, and should remain inside. A quick scan of the parking lot revealed that very same “Airstream�? looking RV that the head Cod - Knockers were using for their command post remained. A few of the black Suburbans also appeared to be parked nearby. “Hey man, you guys said that I couldn’t go home for 24 hours�? I stated in a loud tone. “ I wanna go back to my trailer, and be somebody! After all it‘s been more than 24 hours, and I‘m getting cabin fever.�? Their reply was simple…. “NO.�? “ Alright you fu(#ers, if you’re gonna keep me holed up in this stinkin’ motel for the rest of my life, then you’re gonna hafta at least get me some of my girls, some more beer, and something other than that cheap-ass pizza that you all have been feeding me up here!�? I hollered. One of the goons spoke an unintelligible sentence into his sleeve, and seconds later, as if by magic, a catering truck pulled up. A slight framed Chinese looking man exited the driver’s door, and ran to the rear of the truck. There he unloaded a few domed platters, and placed them onto a cart. I watched as he pushed the cart towards my already opened door. Then I yelled “Hey Mr. Wong, I don’t want none of that cream of sum young guy shit!�? He was oblivious to my comment and continued to push his cart up the pavement, and then with expertise up and over the slight rise onto the walkway that led to my room. A distinct smell wafted from the containers, that reminded me of something other than Chinese cuisine. It actually smelled like good ol southern cooking! I immediately grabbed one of the domed lids by the handle and lifted it, to expose a huge meatloaf, a large pile of mashed potatoes, some green beans and a ton of cornbread. But that was only ONE! I looked at the man, and then at the parking lot, where a large black stretched limo was approaching. As it stopped, I placed the lid back down on the platter to get a better look at the occupants who at that time were already opening the rear doors. My jaw dropped when I saw three of the most drop-dead gorgeous blondes I had ever seen in my life exiting the limo. As they approached, the caterer snickered, and pushed the cart containing the food inside the room. In a flash he was gone, but I couldn’t really tell, as my bugged out eyes were transfixed on the three beauties that were within a mere few feet of me. I swear they were like super models that only the most rich and famous could ever see, or for that matter touch. “ Gawdammit Man�? I hollered out! “I ain’t never…�? It was at this time that one of the Gov-goons made a motion towards me to follow him. Distracted, but curious, I followed him a few yards down from my door. All the time watching as the three beauties strode into my temporary domicile. He began, “look, Mr. Craven�? and I immediately responded, “That’s Mr. Moorehead to you dickhead�? “Uh, I’m sorry, Mr. Moorehead, Uh, I just thought I would advise you in confidence that these girls, ummm, well these girls that we ummm allegedly supplied you for alleged and or un-official entertainment, on a temporary basis, are uhh, well, they aren’t really - real girls.�? I angrily replied “ Whaddya mean!!…. You mean that them is trans-sexuals or homos or something like that…cause if they are, I’m gonna kick yer ass!!�? “ Uh, OH NO, no�? he responded, “They are machines. A very sophisticated and totally undetectable clone of human organisms that we have, uhh, allegedly been working on for several years or so. “ “ We just figured that you, being who you are would enjoy being part of the (testing) that we have been doing for a while, and shit, between me and you, I wish I could be in your shoes!�? Hmmmm, I wonder if the guy is trying to be real, or real fu(#ed up at this moment… He continued, “ These particular units are absolutely exact in form and function to real female humans, but lack the ability to have any real emotion or commitment.�? “Therefore, they can be anything you want them to be, and you won’t have to deal with any repercussions, or so I’m told.�? I once again began scratching my head, trying to figure out what the hell this guy was talking about , and what I really wanted to do, so I said, “Just gimme a minute�? and walked back into the room. As I entered, the girls all smiled, and with a wanton look in their eyes summoned me to sit on the bed with them. After a few moments of introduction and conversation, I realized that these were not normal girls, (like I would meet in a bar or restaurant) but were far more beautiful and intelligent than anything I had ever encountered. (You know me, I’m up for anything) I knew one thing for sure though. I was gonna get lucky! I politely excused myself, and went back outside to run off the goons. I knew in my mind that these sick fu(#s had already installed cameras and monitoring equipment in my room, and as I locked and bolted the door, I silently vowed to give them a good show.

When I awoke, it seemed that it was days later. It was like I was in some sort of trance, or perhaps another time dimension where you don’t really have anything to grasp onto. I distinctly remember that we all enjoyed a lot of good food , good beer, and fantastic sex. I just can’t remember when it all started. Or where it all ended for that matter. I just remember that it was an overall feeling of well-being. As I was coming to, I noticed that the girls were all still sleeping, and that gave me an opportunity to leave the bed without disturbing them. I departed by the foot, and made my way into the bathroom to do my usual morning thing. As I lit a cigarette, one of the girls which I had previously named Amy, began to stir. When she lifted her beautiful head from the pillow, she asked “wouldn’t you like some nice hot coffee Craven?�? I replied, “Well hell yeah!�?. As she sleepily wandered to the coffee pot, I thought how lucky I was to be able to say I had just slept with such a fine specimen of female anatomy, whether a “machine�? or not. I sat on the edge of the bed, and turned on the TV to check out the local news. There wasn’t any. The Feds made sure of that…. Later as I sipped my coffee, and wondered what would lie in store for the rest of my life, a loud knock came upon the door. The “girls�? scampered to make themselves decent, as I arose to meet whatever came this way. I peered through the peephole to see yet another Gov-goon in his dark sunglasses, and tidy black suit, standing ready to pound on the door again, should I not respond in time. I yanked the door open and hollered “ Whadda ya want?�? at the top of my lungs. “Mr. Moorehead, it’s time for you to return home�? he replied. “Well it’s about time!�? “I’ve been here for Gawd knows how long doing nothing while you assholes have been doing whatever it is you do�?… “ You will have a little time to get your stuff together, and then we will allow you to leave�? he continued. I slammed the door, and looked over the bevy of beauties that I would not likely see again, and then peered again out the peephole. The distorted view of the parking lot provided by the device revealed a motorcycle near the entrance to my room. I assumed that it was my bagger, but I wasn’t able to tell through the peephole. I opened the door.

There to my surprise was a nice new bagger just like mine, but, like, NEW!! A Gov-goon summoned me forth to advise me that the motorcycle before me was actually mine, and handed me the papers. I got really kinda un-easy at this point, and looked around to see another one of the G-men approaching. He began speaking but I wasn’t really listening, considering all my good fortune. “Mr. Moorehead, we are truly thankful for your efforts in recovering a key element in our ongoing effort for galactic peace. The device you recovered is paramount in keeping our planet safe, and we are truly grateful.�? I responded “Yeah, well I think you shoulda let me keep the thing, so I coulda sold it for a profit, and made a little money and stuff…�? “Not to worry sir�?, he replied, “ I’m sure that you will be happy from now on�?. He turned and walked away. I hollered “You better let me keep these three girls then!!�? As usual, there was no response, and I was sad as I saw them depart under the protection of even more goons. They did however wave a loving goodbye.

I straddled the bike and fired her up. What a good feeling, a nice new tight ride, sorta like the few that I had the night (or more) before. I headed out down the highway to the trailer park, and again had the feeling that for some reason I have had good fortune. Usually these feelings are unfounded however, and always come back to bite me in the ass…. As I rode down the dirt road to my trailer, a weird feeling came upon me. I turned into my lot to see a brand new double-wide sitting in the place where my run-down wreck used to sit. A brand new paved drive and new deck greeted me, and from somewhere, a brand new cable spool sat in my newly landscaped front lawn. Amidst the new sod and plants was a spherical object that I figured was some sort of Alien communication device. I later learned that it was a “Gazing Ball�?, and anyone could buy one just like it at Wal-Mart. Evidently, the Gov-goons had excavated the entire property and took away my old trailer for evidence, or whatever. It didn’t matter to me however, and as I got off my new ride, and walked up to the front door, the ol lady greeted me with a passionate kiss. She then handed me some papers that that goons had left for me in my absence. The papers contained the usual diatribe regarding the thankfulness and respect they had for me for digging up their precious “lost�? hubcap, and also went on to
apologize for not being able to allocate their experimental “human clone girls�? to my permanent custody, and further sucking up to me for being a good American and not “talking�? about this incident to anyone. At all. No one. Shit, I guess it’s too late. All my true stories are published monthly in Born to Ride Magazine, and can be viewed at www.craven-moorehead.com

I hope they don’t find out, but you know the Government. They didn’t even know that the terrorists were gonna attack on 9 - 11. Yeah, right…… And furthermore, I want my coffee can back!