Untitled VII

Last month when I left you, my dedicated readers, you will recall my disgust at visions of over-blown celebrities escaping the long arm of the law by notoriety alone. This in itself led me back out to the road where the playing field is level. I like being out on the road, just the bike, and me and whatever adventure befalls us. Together we serve every purpose in the world and absolutely no purpose at all. A parallel universe must also exist in this space, as the time seems just to pass by, without regard or recognition. It’s sort of a time warp. Like amnesia. You know, where you wake up several days later and have no knowledge of where you have been or what you have been doing, but everyone else tells you that you have been missing for days or weeks, and you just cannot comprehend that concept. Often, these time lapses are drug induced, and I will testify that these are probably the best. I do not however condone the use of recreational pharmaceuticals with the natural euphoria that comes from the open road.

I did not realize that I had been gone for weeks, because in my own mind I had not. To my knowledge, I had very little money, and no particular intent to be anywhere other than just hanging around the trailer park, or the local watering hole. Unfortunately, these things get old and although sometimes exciting, they are usually redundant. I pretty much do the same things over and over again but on a road trip I look for all the possibilities. So while out there with a limited amount of money, and no where to go specifically, I sometimes improvise. I often rely on my personality and charm to get some needed item for nothing. An example would be when I purchase a 39 cent cup of coffee, and talk my way into a day old doughnut for free. This is a basic instinct for survival on the road. It usually works just great, and if someone wants to give you something for nothing, you might just as well go for it! These procedures however must be adapted to your particular lifestyle and gender. Another shining example would be if you are a 30 year old fairly ugly computer nerd, it would be unwise for you to approach the hot chick at the 7-11 seeking a free pastry. Even if it is a day or two old. You would be better off going to Comp USA and bargaining for a free mouse pad with your purchase of a USB hub adapter, whatever that is. I really don’t know what any of that computer stuff is, but I heard about it while I was at a weird coffee shop in Nevada. (they actually spelled it WIRED, but to me it was just WEIRD…) It was a strange place full of geeks and computers, and I really don’t wannna go back there, but some of the nekkid pictures I saw on some of the computer screens were pretty hot! The coffee wasn’t bad, but that’s another story. Ooops, this is one of the memories that surfaced from my (long) absence from my usual haunts. I should stay home more often, or so I am told.

If you want to go out on the road for a while and just be yourself, one of the things that you can almost bank on is that you will encounter some interaction with law enforcement folks. They do after all get paid to investigate seedy looking individuals on motorcycles with out-of-state tags. It’s no different for us Florida Rednecks as it is to you International professionals that only ride on weekends when it’s not raining. All you have to possess is a motorcycle, an out-of-state tag, and the ability to ride. This brings back another cloudy memory of my alleged “long�? absence from the trailer park…

I remember that I was out west. I also recall that it was about to rain, and I was hungry. I was in a small town called Newcastle, in Wyoming. The neon sign by the road said Groceries and Deli. There was a small picnic table placed by the entrance under an overhang that would allow me to consume a (possibly) free sandwich, and shelter for me and the bagger from the impending downpour. As I walked in the door, my weary eyes were exposed to one of the hottest tamales I had seen this side of the border! I observed her as I examined the selection of potato chips and snacks on the rack near the deli case. Looking behind the case, I requested a dirty magazine from the bottom shelf behind the counter. Sure as shit, when she bent over to retrieve the volume her short skirt exposed a perfect picture of black t-back panties, supported by legs that went from her high heeled clogs all the way to heaven. I realized that this grocery store was not often frequented by the locals, and I realized my opportunity for a free meal was nigh. Trying to keep my cool, I flipped through the pages of the magazine, only sharing with her the view of certain compromising positions. She giggled as she sneaked a peek every now and then, and smiled through voluptuous lips.

It was somewhere in the conversation that involved my hunger that she decided that my offer of American sausage was appealing to her hunger and we proceeded to the store’s walk-in freezer. A lunch date in an air-conditioned place was very appealing to me, considering the temps outside were approaching the 100’s. I figured the encounter would be entertaining due to the fact that all the doors in the front of the freezer were glass and visible to the entrance to the store. Even though the shelves in the freezer were stocked with all kinds of crap, I imagined how a patron may be shocked to observe what was fixing to happen. I guess you could see through all that stuff if you really wanted to. Little did I know how shocking and entertaining the rest of my day would become.

After a brief moment of tabloid romance, she dropped my jeans and at the same time to her knees, and began to speak to me in the universal language of lust. I guess I must have went into one of those time warps again, because as I enjoyed her lunch desires, I felt a strange sensation in my lower back. I turned to see a local constable poking at me through the ice cream door with a night stick. Needless to say, it was just moments later that I was on my way to the local lock-up for incarceration. I later learned that it was a town ordinance that had brought me down. I couldn’t believe it! Locked up for some lunch date in a local grocery just didn’t make sense! Once my bail was posted (by the same person that got me in this situation) I immediately went to the local weird or wired coffee house to gather more information about local laws regarding lunch. I mean sex.. I have included some of these laws for you, just in case you ever go out of town:

–An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store’s walk-in meat freezer (this is the one I got busted on)

– In Bakersfield, California, anyone having intercourse with Satan
must use a condom. (An asbestos one I presume.)

– In Oblong, Illinois, it’s punishable by law to make love while
hunting or fishing on your wedding day. (Why mess up a good day of hunting or fishing??)

– In Minnesota, it is illegal for any man to have sexual intercourse
with a live fish. (Apparently it’s OK for a woman.)

– No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife
so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth. (If you have any teeth!)

– Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn’t
allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with
you or holding you in his arms. (Nothing specifically mentioned about another six pack!)

– Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown
if they’re nude. (I did this here, you don’t have to take ALL your clothes off!)

– In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to
have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart
when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it’s illegal to make
love on the floor between the beds! (Unless you bring a sheep or two!)

– The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to
provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even
if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have
sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton
nightshirts. (Or a clean Outlaws support shirt.)

– In Romboch, Virginia, it is illegal to engage in sexual activity
with the lights on. (This is true in trailer parks all over the south!)

The Sick part of this story is that all these laws are REAL! Whether they are enforced or not. I hope you enjoyed reading them and keep them in mind when you go out on the road. The truth IS stranger than fiction. Until next month, speed safely!